Quench Your Own Thirst: Pt. I

Are You Thirsty? Middle-aged women, especially Black women, are having a harder time finding decent companions. This series is real talk about real life, and the plights of women looking to enjoy this phase of life.

Quench Your Own Thirst: Pt. I
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ARE YOU THIRSTY?

Are you a thirsty chick? The Urban Dictionary’s definitions of being thirsty are:

  1. Too eager to get something (especially play), and
  2. Desperate

Let’s just be frank. Many middle-aged women are out here doing big things and winning at life. We are working hard and making big career moves. We are stepping out on faith and changing careers mid-life. We women have raised our children (or we’re are the tail end of the madness), we’ve cared for their husbands, spouses, parents, significant others. We are divorcing, re-discovering who we are, and in some cases many of us are just learning who we are.

For a lot of us, like myself, we are fine in our new found singleness. For many more of us, we desire a “break of sorts only to find a new significant other to fill the companionship void. Desiring companionship is okay. It’s natural.

Being desperate or “thirsty” is not cool.

Thirsting means you are in need of something to hydrate you. You are dry, parched. This thirst may or may not be life threatening, but something that is uncomfortable enough that you need to attend to it. Your thirstiness is a personal matter, and does not require the entire world know about it. Your life situation and mental stamina determines the urgency for which your thirstiness needs to be attended to. For some women, and many of us know women like this, the whole world sees her thirstiness. For some women reading this book, it may even be you, but because it is you per se, you can’t see the forest for the trees so to speak.

Public thirstiness is the thing that I am talking about right now, and public thirstiness is quite embarrassing in all actuality. It makes women look sad, weak and desperate.

Now, don’t mix sex positive with being thirsty. The two are very different.

Let’s talk about signs of thirstiness that some women may confuse as “boredom.” Some women go through extreme changes in wardrobe or hair not because it’s necessarily about making a mid-life change, but rather a desire to be perceived as sexy. It’s often due to the woman’s need to be wanted and to be able to attract attention from the opposite sex (or maybe even the same sex). For many women, we have learned over the years that most men are super shallow. Superficial beauty and trappings will easily distract them. Fake boobs and hips, lip injections, hair extensions, eye lashes, false nails, sexy outfits and shoes, and other “flashy” accessories will certainly get a guy’s attention, and that’s cool. What’s not cool are doing things that are not necessarily age appropriate, or things that make “thirsty” women look sad or desperate.

When you are a “lady of a certain age,” It is not only perceived by others as unattractive to do the thirsty thing, it is often viewed as sad. Most friends won’t tell friends their exhibiting thirsty behaviors because they love them. Those who dare venture into trying to share with their friends they are “doing too much,” are often met with resistance and denial. The friend simply refuses to believe their actions could be perceived as desperate.

Ignorance isn’t always bliss.

Are you thirsty? Let’s go down a middle-age thirsty checklist to see if you meet any of the criteria. Are you:

  1. Spending hours a day on social media changing your profile pic to the same old pictures that you have had on your profile for years? We see them. We always see them. We are tired.
  2. Taking the same old picture poses in your car or in your bedroom almost every day and posting them to social media? We see you. We have seen you, and we realize that you are posting the same pics almost every day. The only thing that is different is your clothes. Please stop!
  3. Wearing too little, too sexy, too tight, inappropriate clothing which could possibly embarrass your family/kid? Maybe your so called friends don’t want to hurt your feelings. It’s not that cute.
  4. Taking provocative pics just to get likes and attention on social media (i.e. naked bedroom insinuating pics, bad club poses) and inbox hits?
  5. Crying about your personal life (breakup, no good man, etc.) on the book (Facebook) for all the world to see? The conflicts, pettiness, and nonsense are sad. No one gives a hoot. As a matter of fact we all hear and see your cry for help. It’s not attractive. As a matter of fact, it is scary. We are questioning your mental state. Every new boo is your Bae. Is every man you meet your friend him on social media? Is every argument or break up posted online with live updates? Do you have the “diss-a-dude” social media timeline loaded with Memes containing quotes on how no good men are, and how happy and independent you are? We all have a mature friend or two like this. I wished they could have their social media privileges revoked.
  6. Hanging all over men in clubs social settings? Buying things to be in the company of a man (beer, cigarettes, liquor, etc.) when you know full well he is just using you? Stop justifying the behavior (yours and his).
  7. Appearing to be the habitual cougar, dating young guys who are not on your level in anyway? Are you appearing to have lowered your standards just to have companionship? We see you, and your questionable choices have not gone unnoticed sis. We are seeing, we just aren’t saying anything!
  8. Settling? Are you rationalizing a companion’s disrespect and shortcomings with family and friends who see the same things you do but think the behavior of your companion is subpar? Whether you realize it or not, you may be settling because you are desperate (thirsty). Having a bad companion to you is better than no companion at all.

These are just a few examples of the new thirsty middle aged woman, but there are so many. Plainly put, these are not good looks for this sister. This look is not good in the eyes of women or men, friends or enemies, families or strangers. You can go through a sister’s timeline and see the desperate actions taken to garner attention. The reasons vary for the actions (loneliness, sadness, boredom, depression, mental illness, break up, pettiness, etc.), but the end results are always the same……….that look of thirsty.

I am of the belief that while social media is touted as a way to inform the masses and stay connected to friends and family, it is to be plainly put entertainment. Making real friends, and dating is no easier online than it is in person. As a matter of fact, it is actually easier to be flim-flammed because people can review your thoughts (your timeline) and say what suits them to get what they want from you. Men are hunters. They love the pursuit and chase. They love to conquer. Nothing gives them more pleasure than getting the goodies (whatever that is……..money, sex, a place to stay, a come up). A weak woman is an opportunity to victimize to them.

For whatever reason, middle aged men today are very much like teenage boys and men in their early 20’s. They play games, make excuses, hide who they are, degrade and disrespect, and all other sorts of fuckery. It is very depressing, and time-consuming to be a middle aged woman dating in the age of technology and times of such disrespect and devaluation of women and mankind in general. We should never have to choose between respect and loneliness. If you are having many of the problems noted above, you are the problem, therefore, you are the solution.

Photo by Raquel Santana on Unsplash

Please note, you do not have to compromise your values, your integrity, or yourself respect just to have a man in your life.

I have done online dating, web hookups, got married, got divorced...you name it all for the sake of attempting to address my own loneliness, sadness, and unhappiness with my life. I too was thirsty and I had to fix my mindset before I actually found true happiness.

My desire to have companionship and someone to love me. I had to check myself...and it was an ugly wake up call. No matter what I did, I still had that same old empty feeling. I was looking for someone else to fill voids that I had like it was their responsibility to make me happy, or to quench my thirstiness so to speak.

We all are going through many changes that are causing us to feel a type of way about our life circumstances and situations. Empty nests got you yearning for changes. You have outgrown your spouse or significant other and you’ve decided to part ways amicably (or not). You have never been married and been a serial dater and you feel like you’ve missed something. Perhaps you have friends that appear to be happy and doing well in life, and you’re having Mr. and Mrs. Jones aspirations unfortunately.

Maybe you’ve been a caretaker for family and or ill relatives and that season of your life has ended and you are at a crossroad. Perhaps the sudden death of a spouse has put you in an awkward situation of loneliness and a desire to share your life with someone knew. Whatever your scenario, let’s not let our thirst drive us to the wrong people who mean us no good.

A healthy thirst can be seen as a motivator. But if you let it hop into the driver’s seat, you could find yourself in a lot of wrecks, going down streets and in unfamiliar neighborhoods you have absolutely no business in.

Look, we all deserve to be loved and treated well by any and everyone we come in contact with. The fact is, many people do not and absolutely will not have our best interest at heart, no matter their age or your age. With this said, you need to come to terms with this new middle-aged reality, and guard your heart, mind and body accordingly. We are older and wiser, so let’s stop denying the obvious to pacify our desires, weaknesses, and desperation. We cannot allow society’s viewpoints of instant satisfaction and gratification now by any means necessary to steer our moral compasses any longer. It’s time to come back to reality.

There are some things that are truisms still today. They are:

  • Birds of a feather flock together. Silence is consent.
  • At our age, what’s up after midnight are legs and penises, or people trying to make this happen.
  • Men see us objectively first (unless he is a sapiosexual where your mind is more attractive than your body) and foremost. No matter his age, when he sees us, he immediately assesses our usefulness to him (i.e. wife material, one-night stand, friends with benefits, personal freak, business partner, some type of resource, etc.). If you are thinking otherwise, you are going to be disappointed at every encounter with a man during this phase and stage of life. Men assign values to us when we don’t know our own worth. They take our value away from us when we have expended our usefulness. Look at Stormy Daniels, Monica Lewinsky, get my drift!
  • People get sick and tired of bullshit (and people) in mid-life. You’ve lived half of your life catering to others. You feel an urgent sense of needing to fix shit that you’ve been unsatisfied with before the second half of your life expires.
  • There is nothing new under the sun. Men will be men. Boys will be boys, and the systems and institutions that allow the behavior still exist.
  • Life is too short to settle. Life is too short to be sad.
  • Just because you’re alone, doesn’t mean you have to be lonely.

We all from time to time need to evaluate our lives to determine whether we are thirsty and seeking attention in negative ways that makes us look needy and portray us in a negative light. Examine your social media timelines. Examine your relationships. Evaluate where and how you spend the majority of your time. Determine whether or not you are thirsty or borderline thirsty and correct the things in your life that are leading to this out of control thirst.

Talk to your close trusted friends openly (but privately) about your concerns, and your behavior. Ask them to honestly evaluate your current situation. This is a hard thing to do, because we as women are sensitive, and we tend to take critiques as criticism. Just because we do something and we feel good about it, doesn’t mean it’s a good look, a good fit, or healthy for us at this phase of our lives. Sometimes a good “reading” from close friends that love and care about us can be just the motivation we need.

For some of us though, we are going to be in constant denial. We hate for someone to tell us something about ourselves. We have thin skin. Sometimes we are embarrassed for being identified as thirsty, maker of poor choices. For other women, you simply think people can’t see you and you’re invisible which is simply never true. Let me tell you this, and this one thing for sure. People do see you, they just talk about you behind your back. I’d rather someone tell me about my madness so that I can fix it than to continue traveling down the same road to nowhere.

Doing the same thing and expecting different results is called insanity baby. Are you really crazy, or are you desperate and thirsty? One is a mental deficiency which may or may not be.

The other is a behavior choice. Your actions have consequences. Unfortunately sometimes the entire world gets to view in real time the results of your consequences.


WE MAKE POOR CHOICES

Let’s get into some of the choices we ladies make at 40+ years old because of our thirst. Our thirst causes us to make really bad choices that sometimes we will never live down. Sometimes these decisions are so bad, we get a “new” unfavorable reputation that makes it more difficult to attract suitable candidates. I’ll discuss some of the poor choices (many I’ve made myself) and the reasons as to why they are poor choices.

Our Bad Choices

We lay with no good men. A no good man knows exactly what he is. He is wondering though if you know. Many times, he selected you because you’re a meal ticket. You offer some type of reward or benefit for him. From a meal, a piece of ass, a lay, a temporary home, or a leg up.

We sell ourselves as sloppy seconds.

Rarely does a second become the first in the relationship game. If she does become number one, she usually isn’t happy long. The grass he sold us wasn’t greener. Usually number two discovers what the man is really all about.

We invest too much time.

When we are thirsty, we tolerate more than we should. We become complacent with bullshit. When we are afraid (fear of loneliness, losing a household income, sex partner, eye candy for friends and relatives). When we stay too long, we waste our time, energy, money, efforts, brain cells, and most importantly self-respect.

We invest too little time to study your own big picture.

We are so thirsty sometimes, we skip the homework aspect of dating. You don’t have to be looking for Bill Gates or a Barack Obama, but making sure you’re not linking up with someone who has bad intentions, bad habits, detrimental secrets (serial dating, sex/porn/alcohol addictions, employment restrictions, mental health issues that cause them to not be able to function at a level that you can appreciate, etc.). Check out the family tree, and the family history. Family relationships with context can be quite helpful. Failure to do sufficient homework because of your desperation can cause much heartbreak and despair later down the road.

We fail to use common sense.

We all have intuition, a sixth sense, a past or whatever you want to call it. When it comes to sizing an individual up (and questioning our own motives), we sometimes make bad choices because we refuse to listen to the voice of reason, the voice of safety, our gut. Many times we fail to look at our past mistakes because we want that thing so bad to work out. It’s our thirsty talking to us. We see the signs, we hear the voice, yet we proceed only to find a bag full of nothing at the end of it. Failing to follow your intuition is not a good thing. Rarely does it steer you wrong.

We fail to listen (or not listen to friends).

This is a tricky one. We women (and some men) can be so difficult to understand. Sometimes we are minding our own business because we know our friends, and we know they are easily offended. We would rather let danger smack you dead in the face over and over again instead of telling you the truth because you aren’t receptive and the truth hurts when you are in the thirsty place.

Sometimes, no matter what good close friends say to us, we refuse to hear the truth. The mantra “See something, say something” just doesn’t work because we, “the thirsty ones”, are busy trying to make something happen. We are so desperate, so fixated on having what we want we dismiss the advice and knowledge of friends which puts us at a great disadvantage.

At other times, our good friends (so we thought) can become our enemies. They are sometimes not the best people to take advice from because they have their own agenda. You will have to use your gut to determine whether this type of friend exists in your circles. If they are, get them out of it asap. We are too old for snakes in our lives. They don’t help your situation, they make it worse!

We happily entertain strangers (to our detriment).

Many of us have had social media stalkers bombarding our inboxes, especially if you have lots of friends/connections (men that aren’t really close friends or connections that should be entertained anyway). In an age of stolen identity, hacking, and the old Nigerian boyfriend scams on the interwebs, we need to be careful and cautious about chatting it up and putting hope in someone that comes into your inbox because they think you are beautiful.

Please know many people on social media are all about giving the appearance of having lots of friends/connections, they are attempting to garner looks and likes, and have no real grasp of how much they are not only putting themselves at risk of scamming, computer viruses, and hacking, but also their real friends.

You should have filters set in your social media settings to prevent suspect and unwanted predators looking for victims. You’d be surprise how much information your profile and photos give to predators as they look for ways to trick unwitting victims out of sex, money, etc. They can also steal your identity. Let me give you some examples.

On all of your “public” social media pages, you have on your profile you’re single (because you want prospective suitors to know you’re available). Your photos on your profile are always alone, with girlfriends, or with family which demonstrates perhaps that you are indeed single. Hence, Operation Mr. Nigerian Boyfriend Scam begins. He has had time to study your pages, perhaps going back a few years depending on how long you’ve used social media. And there you have it. You’re a single, middle aged, thirsty woman who may indeed entertain a good sounding foreign man with bunches of bullshit to unload on whoever will listen.

The same applies for thirsty friends of friends on social media. There are many men on social media with undiagnosed sexual addictions, and they use social media to have sex with real women by any means necessary. Porn has grown old, and simply won’t due anymore. These men may or may not be in relationships currently, and they use social media to locate and inbox thirsty female victims to gain entry into their hearts, minds, and bedrooms. It’s so easy, and women keep falling for it.

Stop entertaining bullshit strangers ladies! Social media makes it so easy to be deceitful. If you don’t know these low-lifes, please stop entertaining them. It will save your heart and protect your self-esteem.

We stay in too long.

We can’t save the world. Nor can we save grown men. When you see men on their bullshit, and it’s far more than you signed up for………failing to cut the umbilical cord and dragging the bad relationships out for too long sends two signals to a no-good man.

Number one says you will tolerate his bullshit, therefore he has no incentive to be better or do better. You can’t change a grown person, and you can’t make someone do what they don’t want to. Sometimes these men are simply incapable of living up to some basic things in life for whatever reason. It’s not your problem and you are not the Coast Guard with a great big boat ready to swoop up and save everyone.

Many times we are caregivers for sick or ill parents/loved ones, we may or may not still be raising children or step children, we have jobs we hate, and so many other obligation in life that we must tend to. Adding another stressor to your plate is not what you need.

Failing to cut ties too late in relationships only drains your brain, energy, and life. It also signifies you’re desperate. The gentleman knows he doesn’t have to be all he can be. At this phase and season in life, he likely can’t. He knows in your eyesight a man is better than no man.

In closing, the bottom line is that we do many things conscious and subconsciously to illustrate to the world our thirstiness, the types of thirsts we have, and the extents we are willing to go through to satisfy our thirsts. Again, I will say thirstiness is not bad. Thirstiness at 40+ is a somewhat interesting place to be at this stage of life, and this technology driven environment. I am of the belief that it is perfectly okay to explore your sexuality, just understand that opening yourself up to so many different people will deplete you as you work to “find” yourself and leave you feeling empty (eventually). Every lay is taking away a piece of you that you’ll never get back.

It’s a choice many of us have had to live with, and while it may provide instant gratification, in the long-term, ultimately you’re still looking for the same thing that you sought at the start of your journey. Great sex and bad companionship will not fix the internal issues driving your thirst and poor decisions (say that three times).

There are many reasons we venture into dangerous territories to quench our thirsts. It can be due to dysfunctional upbringing, fear of aging, fear of being alone, simply wanting to explore fantasies, etc. We must absolutely take the time to evaluate ourselves. Never hesitate to steal away minutes, hours, days, months, and sometimes maybe even years to assess why we make the choices we do. Our future happiness depends on it.


A good quote for young singles: Be too young for marriage, too old for games and too smart for players. ~ Author Unknown

A wonderful quote for middle-aged singles: The best thing to do when you are single is to create a loving relationship with yourself before deciding to commit yourself with somebody else. ~ Anurag Prakash Ray

A fabulous quote for the realest queens: Being single no matter how bad is still better than a fake relationship. ~ Terry Mark

Now ask yourself, truthfully. Are you thirsty? Ask your true friends, family members, and even your married friends do you give off the appearance of being thirsty.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Your feedback is appreciated. Stay tuned for Quench Your Own Thirst: Pt. II. This is just the beginning.

Marley

Copyright 2018. Marley K. All rights reserved.